Its only a joke...no offence!

[sezthemank]

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.* Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

*QUICK NOTE: Baseball is, in fact, a popular sport in Japan and its surrounding countries. However, as their teams are never invited to partake in the 'World Series', your point still stands.*

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian; though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are actually called crisps. Real chips are thickly cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,' with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak, Near-Frozen Knat's Urine.' This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK; it's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

[Timber Wolf]

YAY TONY BLAIR!!!!!! I love John Cleese, all of Monty Python are amazing!
where did you find this joke? and how old is it?

[Winnebagel]

And here I was about to move to the U.K. to escape the madness. I guess I won't have to now.
.
Would it be okay if I move to Hawaiishire? I hear it's a place her Majesty would love.

It would be nice if U.S.ers would at least learn some of these especially # 6. U.S. football is soooo utterly lame. You have men who are paid 40 million U.S.D. for 4 years and they have to run around in Sumo suits and just try to not fall over. Rugby rules!

[sezthemank]

Yey!
I thought I would of got bollock'd for this to be honest.

@Bagel - You should move to the UK, its great over here, why do you think we have so many legal/illigal immagrents? Because everythings free!

@Wolf - I found this on some random website.

As you can tell if you look closely, I was serching for frasier (thats why its highlighted - I forgot to change that), So you yanks cant be that bad - you did create Frasier and Ugly betty

[Winnebagel]

Originally Posted by sezthemank

Yey!
I thought I would of got bollock'd for this to be honest.

@Bagel - You should move to the UK, its great over here, why do you think we have so many legal/illigal immagrents? Because everythings free!

@Wolf - I found this on some random website.

As you can tell if you look closely, I was serching for frasier (thats why its highlighted - I forgot to change that), So you yanks cant be that bad - you did create Frasier and Ugly betty

I have seriously thought about it. At the very least I want to spend awhile there. I just love the U.K.

[Kugyince]

1. When English is taught in foreign schools, it almost always an Americanized English. English isn't even a true language, its was developed from a pidgin.

3. We really don't care. Aussies and Brits all sound the same anyways.

6. Rugby is played here, as is soccer. Yep, I said it, "soccer". Problem is, soccer is boring.

7. Those guns allowed us to kick your uptight nancy asses back across the Atlantic. Try and take them away.

9. Only chicks and boys drive cars. Real men drive trucks.

10. So what do you guys call our crisps? We have both, you know.

12. Beer comes in two catagories, ales and lagers. Both are, in fact, beer. They're distinguished by what temperature they are fermented at. Technically, brandywine is a beer. Go figure that one out.

[Kong]

Originally Posted by Tenser

1. When English is taught in foreign schools, it almost always an Americanized English.

Pretty sure that's not true. I think most foreign countries favor British English. Probably because of all the Imperialism the Brits did.

[sezthemank]

Originally Posted by Tenser

1. When English is taught in foreign schools, it almost always an Americanized English. English isn't even a true language, its was developed from a pidgin.

.

BOLLOCKS!

It may have came from Pidgin
But never from a pidgin!

Never mind anyway, Its called ENGLISH now.

[Dudebro]

Sorry Britian but you have no way of enforcing these rules.
Your country is barely the size of one US state.
You're people are afraid of us(and toothbrushes, showers, ect).
Your "men" are girly and your women are hairy.
You lost any chance at ownership when you couldn't beat unorganized farmers with no military training(well, sorta).
You guys still have a queen. Do you realize it's 2009?
Besides, AMERICA FUCK YEAH! When's the last time anyone took england seriously?

[sezthemank]

Originally Posted by Dudebro

Sorry Britian but you have no way of enforcing these rules.
Your country is barely the size of one US state.
You're people are afraid of us(and toothbrushes, showers, ect).
Your "men" are girly and your women are hairy.
You lost any chance at ownership when you couldn't beat unorganized farmers with no military training(well, sorta).
You guys still have a queen. Do you realize it's 2009?
Besides, AMERICA FUCK YEAH! When's the last time anyone took england seriously?

HEY I AINT HAIRY!
And I dont know any girly men
(exept for a few of my gay friends, oh and a few emos, emos being a US import!)

I shower or bath in the morning and evening of everyday, and like I said before, we have free health care, we can get anything we want done to our teeth - whitining and braces are included, even gold teeth! seriously!

England being so small, yet so powerfull is amazing, can you emagine how powerfull we would be if we were the size of you guys? Thats it, we dont need to be, we still are one of the powerfullest countrys in the world,

The reason America is America is because of British plantations.
so dont talk about your mummy country like tha

P.S
Shite to the queen, shes good for nothing, but who have you guys got? there are loads of roylist yanks who worship the queen, I mean we like her but you guys LOVE her!

[Winnebagel]

Not to be the expatriate here, but you guys also have that whole WWII, and the spanking the Nazis thing going for you too.

[Kugyince]

Originally Posted by Kong

Pretty sure that's not true. I think most foreign countries favor British English. Probably because of all the Imperialism the Brits did.

That maybe true in most of Europe/Africa.

I do know that they teach the Americanized English in most if not all of East Asia including China/Japan/Vietnam/S.Korea. I also know they teach Americanized English in Paraguay and its neighboring countries (my niece was a foreign exchange student there). I also know they teach the Americanized English in Sweden (from an exchange student).

[Dudebro]

Originally Posted by sezthemank

England being so small, yet so powerfull is amazing, can you emagine how powerfull we would be if we were the size of you guys? Thats it, we dont need to be, we still are one of the powerfullest countrys in the world,

Not to be rude but England owes it's current success to the US intervention in WW2. You guys might've survived without us but there's no denying that the US stepping in turned the tide of the war.
Also Japan is tiny and powerful like Britian, another US backed success!

The reason America is America is because of British plantations.
so dont talk about your mummy country like tha

No we're the way we are because Britian acted like douchebags and we kicked thier asses out. If you guys treated your own people better then none of this would've happened.

Shite to the queen, shes good for nothing, but who have you guys got? there are loads of roylist yanks who worship the queen, I mean we like her but you guys LOVE her!

Who do we have? No one, that's the point. People joke about US celebrity worship but that's only the simple minded people. Also some americans like the queen(my mother is one of them) but it doesn't mean jack since the queen doesn't mean jack shit.

[sezthemank]

Originally Posted by Tenser

That maybe true in most of Europe/Africa.

I do know that they teach the Americanized English in most if not all of East Asia including China/Japan/Vietnam/S.Korea. I also know they teach Americanized English in Paraguay and its neighboring countries (my niece was a foreign exchange student there). I also know they teach the Americanized English in Sweden (from an exchange student).

Still not most countrys!


We owned you, you speak our language, but never admit it!
At least The Uk has history. Our contry was built on millions of years, yours is built on 300.,
You have a history of bad presidents and slavery.


I think our version of OUR language is better.
Though I think the yank accent is sexy as fuck!

[Kugyince]

Originally Posted by sezthemank

Still not most countrys!


We owned you, you speak our language, but never admit it!
At least The Uk has history. Our contry was built on millions of years, yours is built on 300.,
You have a history of bad presidents and slavery.


I think our version of OUR language is better.
Though I think the yank accent is sexy as fuck!

Again, its not your language, it a pidgin i.e. a conglomaration of other languages used to aide merchants who traveled from one country to another.

Also, all of your previous history was destroyed by invasions.

You have a history of bad kings and slavery.

[Timber Wolf]

Originally Posted by Tenser

1. When English is taught in foreign schools, it almost always an Americanized English. English isn't even a true language, its was developed from a pidgin.

3. We really don't care. Aussies and Brits all sound the same anyways.

6. Rugby is played here, as is soccer. Yep, I said it, "soccer". Problem is, soccer is boring.

7. Those guns allowed us to kick your uptight nancy asses back across the Atlantic. Try and take them away.

9. Only chicks and boys drive cars. Real men drive trucks.

10. So what do you guys call our crisps? We have both, you know.

12. Beer comes in two catagories, ales and lagers. Both are, in fact, beer. They're distinguished by what temperature they are fermented at. Technically, brandywine is a beer. Go figure that one out.

hey that's a little too big of a group, muscle cars are driven by men too, and motorcycles
But I do agree with you whole-heartedly about the guns

[Dudebro]

Originally Posted by sezthemank

At least The Uk has history. Our contry was built on millions of years, yours is built on 300.,

You sure about that?

[Kugyince]

As was referring to the whole speed freak/fast and furious crowd. Classic muscle cars and bikes are included in the manly catagory as well.

I don't like guns but I support someone's freedom to own one.

[Winnebagel]

Originally Posted by Tenser

As was referring to the whole speed freak/fast and furious crowd. Classic muscle cars and bikes are included in the manly catagory as well.

I don't like guns but I support someone's freedom to own one.

On that issue I agree with you T man. In the U.K. there was a huge jump in home invasion and violent crimes when hand guns became illegal.

[Kugyince]

Also, didn't stabbing related deaths triple?

Its not like people don't own guns in the UK anyways...

[sezthemank]

Originally Posted by Dudebro

You sure about that?

Meh I might be exaggerating.
(Like the US exaggerates Threat to invade countrys)

Irony is a natural thing to us brits.
I think this whole conversation is ironic.

You guys think your hard and tough invading countrys, but we have been ther,done that.
We done It years ago before all the massivly powerfull technoligy that you have today.

[Winnebagel]

Originally Posted by Tenser

Also, didn't stabbing related deaths triple?

Its not like people don't own guns in the UK anyways...

It's true. They did.

The bummer is that a Brit can be prosecuted if they shoot someone breaking into their house. Although, that can technically happen in the U.S. too, there is more protection for the citizen in that regard in the U.S.

[sezthemank]

Originally Posted by Winnebagel

It's true. They did.

The bummer is that a Brit can be prosecuted if they shoot someone breaking into their house. Although, that can technically happen in the U.S. too, there is more protection for the citizen in that regard in the U.S.

Very true.!

@Tenser - We can get guns just as easy as we get weed, both are illigal but very easy to get hold of.

[Kugyince]

We can get guns (and in some parts of the US) weed legally.

[sezthemank]

Originally Posted by Tenser

We can get guns (and in some parts of the US) weed legally.

Ahh sooo.

I can get weed from 1 minuet away from me.
Heck theres a weed Cafe down the road
most people smoke it in pubs - and smoking in general is banned for any public place

and if i wanted a gun i wouldnt have to register it id just have one, theres a lot of AKs flying about....(aparently...)