Jokes

[Ashums]

I'm board and in need of a laugh, post your best jokes here!

(NO racist, sexist, offensive or rude jokes)

[count100]

A beautiful female college student comes to a young professor’s office.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly, “I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “… I would do…anything!!!”

He returns her gaze. “Anything”

“Yes… Anything!!!”

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you….. study”.

[Ashums]

lol ;D never heard that one before


A man walks into a libary and says to the librerian "can I buy a drink", the librerian says "err... this is a libary", so the man whispers very quietly "oh sorry, can I buy a drink!"

[Blue Shoe 2]

what is brown and sticky? a stick :P

Q.What do you do when you wake up in the morning with a giant Pie on your back?
a.Get a refund from thattatoo parlor.

[V ideoY3K]

Q: What do you call a hare with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny

[count100]

There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".

That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"

[Dudebro]

Originally Posted by count100

There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".

That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"

That was a good one. I don't have anything to add atm but I'll try to think of one.

[count100]

Yes, I like this thread I have alot of jokes that I can throw out there.

[Ashums]

I'm glad you like this thread.

A stupid person crashed a helicopter while taking flying lessons, the instructer and the stupid person both survived. the instructer asked "what did you do to make it crash?", the stupid person replied "i thought is was getting a bit cold so i turned off the cieling fan!" ;D

[V ideoY3K]

Q: What time is it when a elephant sat on a park bench?
A: Time to get a new bench.

LOL

[count100]

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident
golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it
safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and
proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that
he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under
estimate his game.

So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had
asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled
about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for
one long putt..."

[Ashums]

A few silly Q & A jokes, enjoy!

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!
What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding it's breath!
What do you get when you put a cactus in a blender? A spiked drink!
What do you call a nasty porcupine? Spikeful!

[BRODYMAN]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"[br]Posted on: October 18, 2008, 12:31:24 PM_________________________________________________B ob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Neutral]

Ok, Classic Swedish homonyms. Everyone loves them.
1.
Sw: Det var två bagare och en smet.
Eng: There was two bakers, and one ran away. There was two bakers, and one batter.

2.
Sw: Det var två myror och en stack.
Eng: There was two ants and one left. There was two ants and one anthill.

Bonus:
Sw: Var var vår vår.
Eng: Where was our spring(-season...).

EDIT:
A swedish compound word:
Råååål[Råå-å-ål] - an eel of the creek of the village Råå.

[Blue Shoe 2]

There were two women going down high way 84. A cop pulls them over and says,”do you know yo where speeding?” She replies,”I wasn’t speeding the speed limit is 84.” The cop says,”That's the name of the road.” He looks over at the passenger who is huffing and puffing with a pale face.”What’s wrong with her?” She replies,”We just got off 218.”

Teddy Bear Operation Manual How to operate your new teddy bear

1. If teddy feels hard and smooth u have not taken it out of the box. Remove at once.

2. Check to make sure ears are at top of bear. If his bottom is on top, he is upside down

3. To get teddy the right way up, rotate until his ears are at the top

4. Do not plug Teddy into nearest electric socket. What r u, some kind of lunatic?

5. Give Teddy a test hug. If he still feels hard and smooth, u r hugging the box. Cant u get rid of the stupid box?

6. If on next hug Teddy squeals and licks ur face, u have picked up the dog.

7. Clean after every hundred thousand hugs exactly or Teddy will explode.

Enjoy.



I have copy paste'd it, so there are a few typo's i don't feel like fixing.

[count100]

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.

"I can remember iced tea," he protested.

"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."

He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.

"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."

He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.

"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"

[TrakMastaTom]

Ha. I came to this thread to tell that joke, but you beat me to it. I love that one.

[Ashums]

I man walks in to a bar, ouch!!!

[david man45]

http://www.4degreez.com/jokes/main3.html
I prefer the "Naughty" section


Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"[br]Posted on: October 24, 2008, 07:17:26 PM_________________________________________________A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened,and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"[br]Posted on: October 24, 2008, 07:34:20 PM_________________________________________________

( Click to show/hide )

http://www.4degreez.com/jokes/Naughty+Jokes/977038649/joke.html

< this joke was more creepy than funny...

[Blue Shoe 2]

^ouch and ew.

*A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him?”



---------------
What is the differece between Clay Aikon and OJ:OJ won’t be coming out any time soon.

if that was offensive, PM me and I'll take it down.
--------------
OK. once there was 3 men. each of the men had done something wrong or mean and went to go forgive their sins. the first guy came up to the priest and said “father I've done something bad” the priest says “its OK son just tell me and u will be forgiven” the #1 guy says” father, i stabbed a man 3 times in the back and injured him for the rest of his life.” father tells him to go drink out of the holy water…..

the 2nd guy does the same except he had a different sin to forgive. he had just gotten out of jail and said father I've done something horrible, father told him it was alright and just let it out’ the 2nd man says…father i shot a guy and he lost his life and his family lost him to. the priest tells him to go drink out of the holy water…..

finally the 3rd guy come up to explain and forgive his sins. father asks him what it was so he can be forgiven. the 3rd man says… father iv done something terrible just sooo horrible the priest says son its alright tell me and you'll be forgiven… the 3rd man says father i peed in the holy water…

[Dudebro]

Dead Tears I really like the joke about the Whale. I already heard the Clay/OJ joke but it was funny too. I don't think it's offensive btw.
The third joke I heard like 20 years ago. :P

Davids Jokes were funny too although they might be crossing a line. I personally don't think they are but it's not up to me.

Originally Posted by Neutral

Ok, Classic Swedish homonyms. Everyone loves them.
1.
Sw: Det var två bagare och en smet.
Eng: There was two bakers, and one ran away. There was two bakers, and one batter.

2.
Sw: Det var två myror och en stack.
Eng: There was two ants and one left. There was two ants and one anthill.

Bonus:
Sw: Var var vår vår.
Eng: Where was our spring(-season...).

EDIT:
A swedish compound word:
Råååål[Råå-å-ål] - an eel of the creek of the village Råå.

Neutral...
Please explain this to me, I'm interested. Is it lost in the translation? It makes no sense to me.

[Kong]

I think in Swedish it would sound something like "Are you our U or are you our R?" or "u r a b. i m n the c." = "You are a bee. I am in the sea."

[count100]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Dudebro]

Originally Posted by Kong

I think in Swedish it would sound something like "Are you our U or are you our R?" or "u r a b. i m n the c." = "You are a bee. I am in the sea."

I was kinda thinking that but wasn't sure. Btw I checked his sig in babelfish and it doesn't have swedish Tried Dutch but it didn't work.

[Kong]

Google is awesome.

"When I die once, put myself in someone's grave. It has neither I nor anyone's enjoyment of the other."

Well, Google is sort of awesome. That looks like a shoddy translation.