Nimbotix - a story Tails is making, feedback is highly appreciated

[Tails]

I told you Dudebro i would make it ;)


Prologue

Hiro Urashima has a very odd life. Not knowing where he came from and why he is here he teamed up which his friend Ciel whom he met in middle school. People pretty much know nothing about him except for Ciel who seems to understand him the most. One day Hiro found out that he had a gift of being a great fighter, but where he got it he does not know. Lets just see how he found out..


Chapter 1: Watch out for Hiro!

"MR. URASHIMA SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!" yelled Mr. Kaski one of Hiro's teachers.

"Sorry, teach.. no idea why i did that." said Hiro shamefully.

"Now lets get back to our lesson shall we?" Mr. Kaski said without a moment hesitation.

"Boy that Hiro Urashima kid never learns a thing huh Ciel." snickered Alison after the teacher yelled at Hiro.

"Alison, leave Hiro alone, he is a sweet person who sometimes spaces out, you can't blame him for that." said Ciel without a moments hesitation.

"Alison and Ciel I told Hiro to be quiet, now you two.." Dr. Kaski's sentence was interrupted by a bell ringing for everyone to go home.

"Damn it all! Why can't i ever get a lesson done because of these beasts?" said Dr. Kaski aggravated.

About a few hours from that moment Hiro finally leaves the school due to Dr. Kaski keeping him, Alison, and Ciel for interrupting his class.

"Bye Ciel, see ya idiot" snickered Alison as she walked to her home.

"Hiro don't listen to her all she wants to do is to piss you off." Ciel said after Hiro walked her to her house.
"Well, have a good night Ciel see ya tomorrow." Hiro said honestly.

"Don't you want to stay over? The Beasts might attack you Hiro, you know its not safe out there." Ciel said very emotional.

"I'm good, i just need to think Ciel, see you tomorrow." Hiro said walking away from Ciel's door.

About 30 minutes later Hiro is about to his house he hears a strange noise.

"W-who's there?" Hiro said almost in fear.

"Heheheh" said a beast-like creature right before pinning Hiro down on the ground.

"Ugh.. some.. one.. he-help.. me.." Hiro said weakly.

"Now die fool." said the beast just before sinking his teeth right into Hiro's arm.

"GYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! !!!!!!!!!" Hiro screamed he started glowing bright red and send the beast off of him.

"So, kid you actually want to fight me, MJ23 the beast with the least?" snickered MJ23 right before going in for a second attack.

"Not today, MJ23.. today you die!" Hiro said right when he hit MJ23 into electric wires almost instantly killing him... well thats what Hiro thought.

"so, you actually think you would beat me? Why do you think I am called MJ23?" MJ23 said disappearing in front of Hiro.

"Umm no reason what so ever I guess." Hiro said without a care in the world.
"IDIOT!!!!! MJ stands for Michael Johnson the legendary beast bandit and the 23 stands for the amount of people.. i have killed." MJ23 said right before he left.

"I gotta get home.. too much for one night" Hiro said without rethinking.

END.

Ok was this alright? writing is kinda my weakness so tell me if this is ok. MJ23 i am in NO WAY trying to single you out, i just felt that since that your user name MJ23 it could be an interesting background for a beast in this story. Like i told Dudebro i am going to eventually have most RU people in this, and hopefully this was good enough to have a second chapter.
Posted on: May 29, 2008, 11:10:50 PM________________________________________________ _Not a single post.. :(

[b]Chapter 2: Training and dedication is all you need.

"Sooo.. why isn't Hiro here Ciel?" Alison questioned looking at the empty desk that was Hiro's.

"I don't know Alison... last i saw him was after he left my house last night saying he needs to think." Ciel said in a dead tone.

"Must i say this everytime we have class ladies, NO TALKING! I don't care if Hiro is here or if hes not here now be quiet." Mr. Kaski snapped.

"L-look out there!!" a classmate of theirs said.

"Now why would an ambulance be here?" pondered Alison.

"Oh no!" said Ciel darting to the door.

"Will this kid be alright?" Asked a teacher.

"OH NO HIRO!!!!!!" Cried Ciel when she ran over to his bleeding body.

"Ciel.. take m-me home.. please" Hiro said weakly

"Ok..." Ciel said lifting his body.

So they get back to Hiro's house, a few weeks past and Hiro suddenly leaves.

"So where's Hiro? That fool must be faking." alison said snickering.

"I don't know.. but i hope he.." Ciel is interupted with Hiro darting through the window.

"HIRO!" Ciel said almost squeezing him to death.

"H-hey Ciel, long time no see." Hiro said with a grin on his face

"Where did you go?!?" Ciel said after punching him in the face.

"Come with me, Ciel we need to talk." Hiro said in a serious tone.

"Alright.." Ciel said walking with Hiro

"HEY YOUR NO LEAVING MY CLASS! GET BACK HERE!" Mr. Kaski said almost screaming.

"Now what is it?" Ciel said in a serious tone.

"Ok, that night, i was attacked by a beat named MJ23 the man-slayer.. I spent weeks training to be able to beat him so i am going to need your support incase i die.." Hiro said sternly.

"W-why.." Ciel said almost bursting into tears.

"Look that night i turned bright red and i don't know how.. lets talk about this more at..." Hiro is interupted.

"So.. whats a pretty girl like you doing with this chump?" said this Gang member.

"Wh-what are you doing!?" Ciel said as they grabbed her.

"Heh 3 guys easy for the pickings it seems.." said Hiro as he landed a punch in one of them.

"Hiro.. how...?" Ciel said shocked at the dead bodies.

"Now lets get out of here, you don't want to be abducted right?" Hiro said smiling.

END.

-------------------------------------------

So how was this folks? am i improving?

[ZedIsDead]

Yeah, you are. Good job. If you're going to put me in, don't make me something lame, ok?

[Tails]

Thanks Ninjamat! :D

and yes you are going to be put in, very soon maybe 4th-5th chapter, but i will say your character is pretty cool and modeled after 'Hiei' on Yu yu hakusho.

[Dudebro]

Sorry I didn't notice this before, maybe change the title so people know what it is.
I'm kinda tired so I can't think well at the moment.

One thing I noticed right away was at the end of every sentence you add a descriptive statement or a way of linking the words with a character. I don't know if that's on purpose but it's very distracting to me. It makes it seem forced. You need a better way of setting up your backgrounds and environments.

Like I said I'm tired, all I can think of at the moment, I don't wanna sound too stupid. Maybe you should read Joemans Text Ruins and get some ideas although his is told in first person.

Also, like NinjaTiamat said, don't make me lame.

[Kong]

I agree with Dudebro.

Example. In this sentence the bold part is not needed.
"Now lets get back to our lesson shall we?" Mr. Kaski said without a moment hesitation.
I suggest searching the Internet for tutorials on how to avoid repeatedly writing so&so said this and x said that and so&so said this and that. It is difficult to not do but I think it will make it much better.

A good start. Good luck.

[oasis]

when ever i read books (which is actually pretty rare for me) the do that descriptive talking as well but for some reason i never notice it because in the books there are only a few quotes most of it is descriptive paragraphs.

also the brain works very well if you stated in your paragraph that person 1 and person 2 are talking then your first line could say something like "blah" said person 1 "blah" said person 2... then just use quotes back and forth you don't need person 1 or person 2 anymore because we will automatically assume in our heads that person 1 is talking to person 2 and the other way around

example
"how are you today" said Joe to tails
"I'm fine how are you"
"I'm excellent its been a really good day"
"yeah i know these video games on this site are awesome"
"yes they are."

hope that makes sense... its really only when you get 3 or more people talking when you need to let us know who is talking.

[Squall]

one question - why did you put the epilogue at the beginning? the prologue goes at the beginning, epilogue at the end ;)

[Kugyince]

Sorry I didn't notice this before, maybe change the title so people know what it is.

I only read about 25% of the threads. When I first seen the title I thought it was about a cartoon or toy so I've been skipping over it.

[Dudebro]

Sorry I didn't notice this before, maybe change the title so people know what it is.

I only read about 25% of the threads. When I first seen the title I thought it was about a cartoon or toy so I've been skipping over it.

Exactly. I must've seen it and the fact that it was in this section and just thought it was some anime or w/e. Actually Tails even PMed me and told me he posted it but I missed it. :-[
Maybe a (Please read) or something would help get some attention.

[Kong]

I don't like "Please read" subjects. Something like "Nimbotix - A story I'm working on" is best.

Side note. Good descriptive titles are very helpful to get your post noticed. Especially if you are asking for specialized info. "How do you beat Flashback" will catch the attention of Flashback players while "How" or "Help" will only get people that read every post and random clickers.

[Tails]

Woah i didn't know so many people posted in this :-[

Dudebro, Oasis, and Kong i was taught by my English teacher to do that, i will try what you guys suggested, thanks for all the comments everybody.

@Squall: thank you.. no idea why i did that, its fixed.

[Kong]

Really. That is a bad teacher. Most books geared towards pre-teens will do that. He said then she said then he said. Try reading something that is by a really famous writer - Mark Twain, John Steinbeck etc, maybe even a Harry Potter book, and see how they switch between multiple characters dialog. I bet you will get some good pointers that way. You don't have to read the whole thing just find a chapter that has heavy dialog between 3 or more people and see how the professionals distinguish between the multiple voices.

[Tails]

Chapter 3: The beast trio

Last time, Hiro successfully completed his training in order to slay the beast MJ23. During a conversation with his friend Ciel Hiro was interupted by three gang members who wanted to abduct Ciel, but as we know Hiro that won't Happen..

Hiro and Ciel dash away from their school where the three gang members were trying to abduct Ciel. During the rush Hiro didn't notice the tree he was running into so he crashed into it actually breaking it with his bulbous head.

"Yoww!!" Hiro screamed after the incident occurred.

"Oh my, Hiro are you alright? Here let me help you inside."

After Ciel helped Hiro inside he started muttering random things, that was really hard to understand.

"Tonights the night, the night i reclaim my heritage, i can't let a foul beast like that take away whats rightfully mine!"

"Hiro.. I hope your alright.."

A few hours later Ciel wakes up from a dead sleep only to find Hiro gone, panicked, she puts on her green jacket and puts her blonde hair up.

"HIRO!! WHERE ARE YOU!?!?"

There was no reply.

"Where could he have gone.." Ciel wondered when she remembered what Hiro muttered in his sleep. ".. h-he must be going to slay MJ23 and reclaim that fight he thinks he lost.."

Its about midnight Hiro is walking in the park of his suburban town until he hears laughter in the bushes.

"MJ23 is that you!? Show yourself RIGHT NOW!"

Two mysterious figures appear and look very simular to MJ23 but they are not him.

"Who are you foul beasts and where the heck is MJ23?"

"Now now Hiro Urashima.. MJ23 does not want to play with you right now.. but we will hehehehe.."

"Tell me your names, id rather know the names i am about to kill instead of not knowing" Hiro said with a determined look in his eyes.

"Wow, so determined... to lose hehehe.. anyways my name is David man45 and my buddy over there is Squall. We will be the death of you Urashima, and that is a promise we will keep!"

So Hiro and the beast brothers begin to fight, Hiro delivers a few good shots on Squall that make him crash into a tree making him feint.

"Wow Mr. Urashima.. you made my brother feint.. but i will be the death of you... hehehehe"

David man45 charges at Hiro who is out of breath when this tall, strong muscular guy appears and knocks David man45 to the ground with one strong punch.

"Now son, how many times have i told ya.. you don't fight without being in Human form."

"But dad, how will I beat him then?" David man45 just about cried when he got up.

"Fools.." The mysterious guy said when he picked both of the brothers up and ate them in just about one bite. "Well darn, i don't have any more children seeing that i already ate my other son MJ23.."

"W-what!? Your heartless man!? Eating your own children that should enough to make you die."

"Well seeing that you like to know the names of the opponents you face i guess i should tell you mine. My name is....."

End.

-------------------------

Sooooo how was that folks? I made a cliff hanger. ;) Can you guess what the father of the beasts name is?

@Kong: ya.. i had submitted something like this current chapter for a story on something i like and she told me to do it like my first two chapters. Is this one alright and a little better?

[Dudebro]

It's a good start. Sounds very much like an anime storyline. Which I'm sure you were influenced by.

I'm guessing the Name of the Mysterious person is me.

[Tails]

It's a good start. Sounds very much like an anime storyline. Which I'm sure you were influenced by.

I'm guessing the Name of the Mysterious person is me.
We'll see ^_^

and yes, i was influenced by anime, was my writing much better this time than before?

[Dudebro]

It's a good start. Sounds very much like an anime storyline. Which I'm sure you were influenced by.

I'm guessing the Name of the Mysterious person is me.
We'll see ^_^

and yes, i was influenced by anime, was my writing much better this time than before?

Much less painful to read. The first one I was tempted to skim because of the format.

[Tails]

GREAT! ;D Much thanks to you, oasis, and Kong respectively.. :)

Expect chapter 4 around tonight if im not tired i may do a double chapter and see what mistake Hiro did in chapter beforehand..

[Kong]

Yes, better. Sounds like she isn't a very good teacher.

[Tails]

Surprisingly i got an A for the semester for her class, 3 A's and 1 D (how i hate Mythology and world literature) so im not complaining. ;D and thanks for reading everyone, funny how it is this didn't appear as a new post to me a few days ago..

Chapter 4: A Beasty Man

Last time Hiro went face to face with MJ23's brothers David man45 and Squall. During the fight their father devoured them for not listening to him, what is this guys motivation, can Hiro stop him? You just gotta read and find out.

"My name is Dudebro." The mysterious man said as he wiped the blood of his sons off his chin. "I've come here by special orders of my master to destroy you unlike my sons I actually do my job hahaha."

"Your a heartless man, Dudebro.. who are you working for and why go after me?!?"

"In due time you will find out Urashima, but now is not the right time, its time for you to die though hahaha."

"Funny, you really sound like a douche by the way your talking man." Hiro griped his hand to make a fist, when Dudebro grabbed his arm and twisted it out of its socket.

"Calling me, the most handsomeness beast you will ever meet, a douche will just cause you severe pain hahaha."

Dudebro then picked up Hiro and was swinging him in the air like a rope until he threw him against a nearby fountain totally destroying the statue.

"Ugh.. can't... move..."

"See kid, your no match for me, I feel like I am INVULERABLE man! hahaha here let me see if i can clear the trees with your corpse hahaha."

Dudebro picked up Hiro and not a second later was bombarded with little stones hitting him, surprised he dropped Hiro.

"DRAGON OF THE DARKNESS FLAME!!!" A mysterious voice said when a black dragon appeared from nowhere and hit Dudebro directly on his chest.

"HOLY SHIT, THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! I GOTTA WARN HIM, I GOTTA WARN TENSER!!!"

Dudebro lifted his body up and dashed out of the park leaving Hiro in the park for whomever to attack him.

"What happened.. I can't move, so i guess this is it." Hiro said just before passing out in the park.

END.

-----------------

@Kong: is it alright to use a little bit of vulgar language? I wanted Dudebro's character to have split personalities, an over confident one, a very mean one, and a scared to death one.

Funny, this chapter was kinda short, i guess i will make up for it in chapter 5.Posted on: June 22, 2008, 05:45:26 AM________________________________________________ _[b]Chapter 5: The mistake

So last time, Hiro faced Dudebro father of the beasts that was pillaging the town. Hiro got beaten up really bad, but thanks to two mysterious warriors was somehow saved from Dudebro's wrath. Will Hiro remain being alive, or is this the end for this firecracker?

"Hiro.. where are you?" Ciel said staring at the sky just before sunrise. Suddenly she heard movement from the trees she looked up and saw this Ninja-type figure about 10 feet away caring Hiro. The Ninja dropped Hiro on the ground and left just like he came.. silently. Ciel then ran over to Hiro who was beaten up pretty badly with a dislocated shoulder and all, she picked him up and dragged him into her house to see if she could tend to any of his wounds. "Hiro... wake up" she said almost bursting out into tears seeing the shape Hiro was in. Suddenly Hiro spoke "Ciel.. I'll be fine just go get some energy from the store, i will recover fully then."

"Alright Hiro.. just be safe until I return!" Ciel rushed out the door and not even thirty minutes later she was surrounded by 5 gang members of the Shadow Gang.

"So missy, think you can get your boy friend to beat our members up and not be able to pay the consequences?" Three Shadow gang members grabbed Ciel and by a nerve in her neck made her pass out and then was dragged away to Shadow gang's east hide out.

Nearby Alison saw what happened, and knew she was trying to get that energy to Hiro, so she picked it up and commenced to Ciel's house which was about a forty-five minute hike. When she got there the door was locked so she had to infiltrate the house by smashing a window.

"Hiro, here's the energy.."

Alison saw Hiro glow a blueish color, and he rose up and even though his arm was out of its socket yawned and fell back down on Ciel's bed. about a day later, not knowing how to tell Hiro Ciel was abducted, she helped get his arm in socket and attempted to tell him the grave news.

"Hiro... I need to tell you something"

"What is it? Something about Ciel? is she alright"

"i don't think she is.. she was abducted by a few gang members you beat up a few weeks back."

"WHAT THE HELL! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE!!!!"

Hiro jumped out of the bed and rushed out the door trying to locate Ciel or clues to where she is in the next town over.

"Stupid as usual.. but at least his heart is in the right place, i wonder what happened to him out there that night Ciel said a Ninja from the heavens brought him back to her.."

End.

--------------------
How was both of these? i finally made up my mind on what events come first.

[oasis]

well the story is improving

and I agree with kong I dont know what your teacher is talking about it is much easier to read in this format and allows us to focus on whats being said and happening.

[Timber Wolf]

lol i agree, the way your English teacher taught you is TECHNICALLY proper, but this format is much more social, and works for stories and novels a bit better, lol so any hints on whats next? ans whats wrong with History and Mythology, if done correctly its quit fun, Paschendale is a song about a soldier in WWI in the 3rd battle of Ypress (Ipres) and its a great song, Norse Mythology is fun too, as vulgar and violent it can be, it at least has substance and is interesting, but thats for another forum.
Keep up the good work on the story!

[Dudebro]

Don't take this the wrong way but the way you're writing seems forced. Like you're borrowing heavily from another story(anime I'm sure). The only way to really understand what you're doing wrong is to see examples I think. I suggest you read a good book or parts of it. I'm not saying copy how someone else does it but just get ideas, you know?
All that being said, I'm no expert on this kind of thing at alll. But I do read alot of books and this style of writing doesn't appeal to me. But, I don't mind since I'm the bad guy. Also you called me handsome. :o

Btw, you don't like Mythology? What's wrong with you? Maybe read some of those stories for ideas, they were usually very well written.

[Timber Wolf]

lol thats what i said (the mythology thing) my jaw hit the ground when he said "Dudebro....handsome" XD jk you look like Kerry King, which is awesome. lol but I can see Dudebro's point of it seeming a little forced/ hashed out, but the farther you get, the less forced it seems(i think)
@Dudebro, you know that ugly mug remark i made yesterday, this was the pic i was trying to load

[Tails]

I love mythology, i hate world literature. I like how Prometheus made humans out of clay and water, i love how he gave fire. How Zues beat his own tyrant father when he came of age. and i did not call you handsome dudebro, you called yourself that :P and i don't understand what you mean forced..

[Dudebro]

I love mythology, i hate world literature. I like how Prometheus made humans out of clay and water, i love how he gave fire. How Zues beat his own tyrant father when he came of age. and i did not call you handsome dudebro, you called yourself that :P and i don't understand what you mean forced..


I mean forced like the story doesn't seem to flow smoothly. I'm not great at expressing myself so it's hard for me to explain.
Maybe the problem is the type of stuff you've read. What kind of books have you read? I don't mean like read for school and forget a couple days later. I mean like what kind of stories interest you? I assume it's anime stuff since from what I know of you that's your thing. I've read some anime(manga?) and it seems similar to what you've written here. My opinion might not be helping you if that's the style your going for. I'm more into stories with alot detail and character development. Stuff like Lord of the Rings, Dune, ect.

[Tails]

i think the last thing i read that inerested me was the Megaman Zero manga online or the FMA manga. Its always been a hobby of mine to write when i had nothing to do at school, i always finished early on stuff

[Dudebro]

See that's what I was talking about. Looks like your exposure to literature is limited to anime style writing pretty much. I'm not saying that's bad though. If that's what interests you then more power to you.
You said you liked Mythology in school. Those stories are pretty cool imo. I can't think of any I didn't like. You can find versions of the stories that are updated and modernized. I personally don't like reading confusing old english.

I just realized something else about what you wrote. It reads like a movie script or a court transcript. Alot of "he said this to her". "She said this." ect
If you look at most styles of writing they break up the talking with setting and background stuff. It helps you immerse yourself in the story and feel something for the characters.

But like I said before, I read alot of long detailed stories so my opinion might not help you. I'm not trying to insult anime/manga/comics, I actually like to read them too. I just prefer bigger stories.

[Tails]

OOC: my mom fixed my power for my laptop until we can return the cord (its a manufacturer problem with it, the way its cracked) so yay :)

Yeah, im used to watching a background (such as a picture of a school and they talk) so i appreciate your help.

Yeah, Mythology rocks, Literature such as Macbeth, Beowulf suck. Just lil fact of the Megaman ZX series, most of the people are named by Mythology guys.

Atlas holder of Model F, Atlas is the one who was punished to hold the world when he tried to break out of hell.

Prometheus like i already explained hes more of a grim reaper in Megaman ZX

Pandora is the sister of prometheus in the game, and of course everyone knows Pandora box.

Thetis the aunt of Zeus is actually a male who controls Model L in the ZX series.

I guess thats why Megaman ZX is my favroite series, try it, Dudebro.

Yeah, see above about movie transcript, i kinda perfer them over manga..

your oppinion helps greatly, thanks for the help :)

[oasis]

I kind of agree with dudebro in that the story sounds forced. I’m sure this is because you’re making it up as you go which is fine that’s why they call it a rough draft. I say finish your story before you change anything. That way you will at least have your whole idea on paper from start to finish. Then after you get all your chapters done go back and start rephrasing lines and making them clearer. Then after all the dialogue is finished. Go back and add scenery through descriptive paragraphs this will keep the reader entertained while setting the background so we know what’s happening.

If hiro and dudebro fight in a dirty ally there are some questions.

You could say dirty ally and leave it at that or you can go into more detail.

Why is it dirty? Was it just raining and all the scum from the roof tops and walls have started to run down into the street?
Is there a old garbage bin filled with the Chinese shop's food that has been rotting over a week and flies are flying around
Is there the ally cat that was watching you and dude bro walk up and then meow and run away
Are there rats in the street?

things like that will give more depth to your story but its not needed until you know from beginning to end what your story is about.

[Timber Wolf]

3 A's and 1 D (how i hate Mythology and world literature)
thats why i thought you didnt like mythology
lol even through the critisism you can tell most of us like it so far
...but one thing nags me, no one wants to be the lame character, but someone is eventually gonna be lame, isnt there? If their isnt thats cool, but, i'm NOT volunteering for it,is there gonna be a lame person?

7."So let it be written,
So let it be done,
To kill the First Born Pharoh's Son,
I'm Creeping Death!"
3."Take a look, to the sky just before you Die, It's thee last time You will!
Blackend roar, Massive roar, Fills the crumbling sky, Shattered goal, Fills a soul with a Ruthless Cry"

[Tails]

yeah im glad you guys do, this is the only site ive actually put it one since i would just get laughter at others.

The lame character, it never really occurred to me who would be it. So right now in my oppinion i have no lame characters coming, maybe one but dunno who it should be.

[Timber Wolf]

lol, no lame character would be fine with most of us im sure, lol, well there is always the cool character that is lame in certain ways, like Creeping Death(Angel of Death), for example, it, goes around killing the first born males, and is all badass sounding and is feared, but, depending on if you read the book its in or the song about it, it either has no form, or is a cloud of green, lol ooohhh no its a... its a .... cloud? lol